L-O-V-E Starts with an A

"If You Wanna Be My Lovah, You Gotta Speak My Love Language."

'Tis the season of love and overpriced chocolates. Where significant others flock to their local CVS only to discover all options have been reduced to Holiday stragglers (Happiest of Hanukkah’s to You and Yours) or oddly specific references (To my Husband on our Twelfth Valentines Day, Thanks for the Begonias.)

It's a hectic period pushed even further by commercial merchandising telling us all the "right" way to spend it with that special someone. It's easy to get swept up in expectations, and then feel disappointed when something falls short. My roommate considers herself "cursed" with Valentines day-- on February 14th, every corner she turns seems haunted by couples either in the middle of a blow out or on the verge. But the reality is, studies prove most relationships end in weeks (or minutes) surrounding the world's most popular Day O' Love.

Now, every magazine ever has a compounded list of reasons for why this is so, along with "Hints and Tips," to save your own relationship from the fire and brimstone of relational doom. But I think the real Valentine's Day problem (and a majority of most relationship strife, if we're being honest) has less to do with any confounding mystery, or even lack of devotion. Love is shared through expression, and considering we are a cacophony of varying personalities, needs, and values, how one person shows their feelings might vary drastically from the next. And if that next person happens to be their significant other, it's easy to mistake a different approach to love as a sign of no love at all.

I’m no expert, just a person with a habit in observation (in attempt to find a euphemism for my nosiness, let's just tie a neat ribbon and call it curiosity.) But I will say that I have seen several relationships fester and implode due to miscommunication. This is not always a bad thing, and if someone is unwilling to learn and work with their partner's needs that's a bond better left broken. However, it is a shame when two people with genuine tenderness toward one another spiral into dissolution solely because they've spent so much time talking AT each other that they've never picked up on what the other is saying. These people simply don't speak the same language -- and how can you recognize someone's sentiment (or needs), if you don't know what you're looking for?

So, like your local Nancy Drew (except much less adorable with more subtle prying and extensive stipulation) I've determined what I think are the top five ways different people express (and expect) love. A person is not limited to just one category, and two or even several types could intersect. All across the board, it's important we examine these patterns in ourselves as well as in those we love --and this goes far beyond romantic entanglements. I think the best way to love someone is by understanding them and giving them the tools to better know and love us in return.

I gotta say, I felt pretty brilliant when first thinking up these categories, but then a quick google search introduced me to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages," and reminded me that I probably learned this at some point or another and am no more innovative than those Clickbait Facebook quizzes (if more heavily researched.) My definitions do differ from his slightly, but I have to give the guy credit for creating a new way of recognizing relationships. I will do my best to infuse personal experiences (as well as those of the friends and family members who allowed me to properly dissect their “Love Speak”) to create something new. Anything that sounds similar to Chapman's teachings is absolutely attributed to him. What doesn't is a blend of what I have learned through the many people I've had the opportunity to get to know. If anything, let me act as your layman translator, taking the study and adding pizzazz, GIF usage, and heavy alliteration. Maybe with a little help, Valentine's Day can carry on as a celebration of love, and not the spectacle of heartbreak haunting my poor roommate with every trip to the grocery store.

So, without further ado— here are the FIVE “A”s of L-O-V-E, and a little idea of how someone speaking a certain love language might like to celebrate February 14th (and any other day.)

1) Affection

This is the hand holding, head petting, snugglebug of yore. This lover relies heavily on physical touch, and will seek to be sought by their partner. This means that sleeping in the same bed, leaning into each other on the couch, and linking arms when on a stroll (be it through Central Park or the fifteen steps from the parked car into 7/11) are vitally important to this person's validation and mood.

What Might Upset Them: Leaving without any gesture— be it a kiss or hug —could hurt them. Also to further deny their affection or not return it with any real vigor (a limp hand or flat kiss,) might leave them aching for more. Remember, most people show love how they give it. If they do not see their affection returned, they could interpret it as a lackluster sense of commitment. If you are not particularly affectionate, be sure that they understand that, and then express your love in other tangible ways.

How to Celebrate Them: On February 14th, a night at a nice hotel, or even at home watching a favorite movie, could be just what the doctor (specifically my man Gary Chapman) ordered. the key is in being gently physical-- take a long drive to the beach and cross the bucket seat to place your hand in their lap, or have a picnic and lay side by side. Make a little extra effort to give them the warm fuzzies. Forehead kisses, back rubs, and long embraces are always appreciated. If you cannot spend the day together, make sure they know how much you wish you could.

2) Attraction

AKA Infatuation with a thousand watt voltage. At its most extreme, I’d call this the Casanova-Lover-of-Grandeur. Picture Antonio Banderas a la Zorro (not Puss in Boots) with a rose lovingly clamped between his teeth. This person’s physicality is charged— they think you’re hot and want you to know it. Impromptu bouts of PDA (ranging from a pat on the booty to something far more PG-13), are frequent and coveted. On the receiving end, they like to look good for you, and feel wanted with the same intensity that they give their partner.

What Might Upset Them: Consistently avoiding their attempts to spice things up without explanation. If you’re not feeling particularly frisky, by no means should you ever feel coerced or guilted by your S/O— but if this is someone you love and trust, just be sure reassure them that even though you’re not in the mood, you still think they’re hot stuff. Life can get in the way of love’s initial thrill, but for this mate lovah time is as (and sometimes MORE) important as (than) saying that four letter word.

How to Celebrate Them: Keep that flame alive! Get all dolled up and go dancing, or hit an amusement park (thrill rides increase the heart rate, which increases a li’l something else if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.) Try some new tricks (wherever and however you see fit.) Surprise them with a burst of spontaneity, or let them surprise you! These people often like to take the reins on an evening a l’amour, sometimes the best way to love them back is to come along for the ride.

3) Action

You ever heard that old (and tired) adage about “showing” versus “telling”? Turns out, that’s the gift that keeps on giving! What makes this lovin’ type so great is the macabre of opportunities to get creative with your means of expression. For example, my cousin who is a sous chef makes girlfriend elaborate meals (and me, if I beg enough!) My friend's partner, who works in a cafe, will bring her coffee at work. My boyfriend, who loves the great outdoors, once carved an arrowhead that he found on a camping trip, added string, and gave it to me to wear as a necklace. The gesture is less about the “thing” or action itself, but rather the way you show your boo thing that you’re thinking about them through the process.

How They Might Get Upset: Chances are, a person who thrives off of action has shown you their love in a number of ways— maybe so subtly that you haven’t realized that was what they were doing. The way to combat taking these moments for granted is to take a step back and think of WHY they are doing what they just did. Was it out of necessity, or the desire to please you? Remember, even something so small as opening someone’s door counts. So say thank you, and when the opportunity presents itself, return the gesture in a way that is unique to you. This doesn’t need to be difficult. Even a fresh cup of joe made especially for them can go a long way!

How to Celebrate Them: You know they’re probably doing something big for you, so take some time and really think about how you can make them feel special. Do they love music? Art? Rocks? (this isn't a joke— my beaux, who was a geology major, has a particular affinity for the igneous and sedimentary.) There's a crazy number of ways you can show them you care. Plan a scavenger hunt ending at your favorite dinner spot, or if you're low on funds just plan a picnic overlooking a nice view. Offer to drive or pick up the bill. There are thousands of little ways to leave a big impact!

4) Affirmation

These people will positively let you know how much you mean to them, whether verbally, via social media, or in a beautifully written letter. They are in tune with their feelings and have no issue articulating that love. On the flip side, those who give and seek affirmation might at times sing a chorus of “are you okay?” “What’s wrong?” And the fan favorite “do you love me?” If you don’t use this particular version of Love Speak, the inquiries might feel redundant or unnecessary— but remember, if someone cares that much about making sure everything is going smoothly, it’s usually because they are so invested in your relationship.

How They Might Get Upset: Someone who likes to wrap you up in a bundle of sweet nothings probably wants the same in return. If you aren’t much of a talker (or writer, or poster, etc), it might trigger some insecurities. Maybe they’ve been hurt in the past, or naturally have anxiety or low self-esteem. Regardless of why, these are very real needs. It would hurt if you were to to blow off their inquiries, though you may have answered them before. Try to meet the need before they get nervous (there's always time to throw out an "I love you!") It’s okay if words aren’t your thing. They will adore you for making an active effort.

How to Celebrate Them: Head to karaoke and serenade them with an off-key ballad, or get an obnoxiously cute jumbo card at the gas station (side note, the dollar section at Target is killing it with the V-day swag.) You could post an Instagram picture of your cutie with a thoughtful caption, or make a photo collage (real or via the interweb) of your favorite memories together. Even an unexpected post-it note, or midday text reminds your S/O how much you care ("hey there cutie" and “I like your butt” are also acceptable.) Don’t be afraid to get really gushy and sentimental (you can just quote literally any song written by Boys II Men) — they'll love it!

5) Adoption

There's a small piece of this in every relationship-- going to a basketball game even though you don't like sports because it's your date's favorite team, or taking dance lesson's with your love even though you've got two left feet that are best kept on the floor (or locked up in a cage somewhere.) The "adopter" raises this sentiment to a rule. They show their love by embracing the films, music, activities, and other hoopla that make you the most excited. On the other end of this (though one doesn't always mean the other), is the desire to involve you in what they cherish, and to have you feel just as strongly about whatever the sport, or place or napkin that fell off some random celebrity's shoe (no judgement from this corner) may be.

What might make them upset: I think this really varies depending on whether your partner is more of an adoptive "giver" or "receiver." If they bend over backwards to support you and fully embrace your favorite things, it's paramount that you remember to include them in those activities. Now, don't go abandoning the rest of your life for one person, but if you went to a midnight showing of a movie you've been talking about forever and didn't think to invite them, that's going to sting. On the other end, if they are showing you something they clearly treasure, fully invest yourself in the experience, even if it's not your cup of tea. They want you to see what they love to better get to know them, so get off that phone and get in the moment!

How to Celebrate Them: If you've got yourself an adoptive "giver," try to find something you both mutually love and celebrate it. Let them know you appreciate their efforts. Find a movie theater playing your guys' favorite movie, or take them to somewhere significant to you (the beach, a favorite restaurant, anything really), and tell them that they are the one person you'd most like to be with in that moment. Ask them more questions about themselves, and find your common ground to further build your life together. If they are more of a receiver, take the time to listen and learn about those things they love. Really listen to the songs they play, and try to tell them what you think about the lyrics. Go make new memories at an old favorite hang out. The main goal of the "adoption" receiver, is to give you all of themselves by pulling you in to what they love. Let them!

Remember, No one's perfect, and no one should expect you to be (and if they do, they can take a number and sit on down.) The real Valentine gift is that we get to love the incredible people we do (on this, and every day!) Hopefully you've seen some of the ways your cutie has been showing you love, and learned a bit how to better understand what it is they want from you. Bottom line is, everyone loves differently, but we love a heck of a lot, and that's pretty beautiful!

If anyone wants to share personal lessons and experiences I'd love comments below (remember, I'm just nosy enough to read and appreciate every last bit of it!) To learn more about "Love Languages" and get more in tune with your own personal ways of communication, check out Dr. Gary Chapman at

5lovelanguages.com.

#valentinesday #review #summary #holiday