Tyler and Lo Take Sacramento: A 3 Day Staycation!

Your fave blogger is back and better than ever!

Okay, okay, I know the Capital City is hardly a tourist attraction for California natives. You either live there, know someone who does, or took a field trip for that Government and Econ course everyone had their senior year of high school. But even though I've gone on some awesome trips in the past two years, some life experiences and more professional writing led me to take an unexpected blogging hiatus.

BUT YA GIRL IS BACK! I've dusted off my fingertips, flexed my prefrontal cortex, and summoned my inner Carrie Bradshaw. I figured there was no better way to return to the keyboard than my favorite blog series of all time.

For those of you who haven't read "Best Excuse to Travel is a Blog," I highly encourage you to take a peek at the GREAT NEW YORK ADVENTURE OF 2017. This was my first solo trip (and by solo I mean with a friend, without a parent or guardian present) and was both one of the worst and best experiences of my entire life. Worst because we had no clue what we were doing. Best because that led to madcap hilarity.

For this trip I'm a little older, a little wiser, and a hell of a lot closer to home. But I'm all for a staycation in the name of Treat Yo'self. So, let's take this journey down the 37 East to the 80 East, past the I5 North, and just off exit 519B, shall we?

CAN I GET A DRUMROLL?

Wow thanks guys!

Sacramento Day 1: Tyler and Lauren's Infinite Spotify Playlist

Being together for seven years means we've pretty much run out of creativity when it comes to Valentine's Day (not that we were super original to begin with - one year I got him a bag of gummy worms). We've done chocolates and stuffed animals and flowers and potted plants and little signs and freezing our butts off at the beach and getting reservations at restaurants we could hardly afford. This year we decided the best gift we could give ourselves was a vacation from expectation.

All we knew was we wanted an Airbnb, new place to explore, and some way to still have money for gas on the way home. Luckily, we found it all and more in a weekend getaway just off the highway in a lil city called Sacramento.

Tyler has this idea that Sacramento is the perfect place for us to live when we become "real" adults (you know, the kind with a dog and a mortgage) because it has waterfront access for him and downtown access for me. For him, the two hour drive was the perfect platform for his one man show, a monologue narrating all the reasons "WE HEART SAC." This he performed with mounting vigor.

Meanwhile, Google Maps stretched from two hours to three as we rubbernecked through four separate car accidents. So, I blasted Ariana Grande while Tyler sang a few hits of his own, like "Think about the property value" and "It also has a great school district." I nodded amicably while slowly adjusting the radio's volume all the way up to max.

Actual image of Tyler reveling in our future acreage as I notice yet another 3-vehicle pile up

A few harmonies and several u-turns down, we found the driveway and pushed our way through the side gate. The alley was dark and narrow, and most certainly not what they showed on Airbnb. Just as I was convincing myself we had either broken into the wrong house or were about to get totally murdered, Tyler found a second gate leading to our little oasis.

And the ride was worth it! A studio-style unit with its own kitchen, writing area, and access to Apple TV that mocked the 2008 model Roku we use back home. To celebrate we popped open some drinks, popped in a movie... and promptly passed out. As excited as we were to start our adventure, some things were just gonna have to wait.

And So Commences Sacramento Day 2: Memorials, Martinis, and Murder Most Foul

Tyler was knee deep into an episode of PBS Eons (think National Geographic for Geology Majors) when I woke up to a sound at the door. I rolled out of bed and met our Airbnb wake up call. Now, usually I like as little contact with the host as possible, but this guy was different. He was friendly, charming, and devastatingly handsome. He made me feel things I've never felt before. Tyler and I might have loved him more than we loved each other. The man took our lives and turned them upside down.

His name is Guapo. He is a Daschund. He is a very, very good boy.

Tyler getting acquainted with our host. 10/10 rating on hospitality

We were willing to follow Guapo to the ends of the earth, so it was a tragic farewell when we realized his owner hadn't offered us a leash. But we had a day ahead of us, so we kissed our good boy goodbye and hit the open road.

First stop: The Capitol

We couldn't properly call ourselves staycation tourists if we didn't visit the Capitol building. It's huge and baked in history, surrounded by a park planted with trees from around the world and teeming with scattered monuments. My favorite of these was a bronze statue just to the left of the TSA style entrance to the building. It commemorates the "Sisters of Mercy," a troop of Irish nuns that offered food, shelter, and righteous badassery in the name of their Lord and Savior.

The Sisters of Mercy were the first owners of the property where the white building now stands. Their mission was to help the poor, sick, and homeless, and they had intended to use the land for a school. I'm not sure what must have happened to shift it into a staple of California's political regime. It's probably not a blameless story, but maybe that's a blog for another day.

The rest of Capitol Park is awash in historical reverence. Statues honor fallen soldiers, veterans, fire fighters, and more. Spectacular works of stone mourn and memorialize. It's quiet and deferential. For lack of a better phrase, walking through the park made me feel patriotic as hell. It was the same swell of pride I got watching Hamilton, which had me crying for God and Country all while battling an unexpected attraction to historical villain Aaron Burr - again, another blog, another day.

By the time we had made it around the building and through the park our stomachs had gotten the better of us. It was time to stop for lunch.

Next Stop: Mayahuel

Just as Sacramento travelers are required to visit the Capitol Building, California tourists must purchase the obligatory margarita. We did our due diligence at Tequila Museo Mayahuel, a restaurant doubling as a museum. Whole walls are covered in paintings of ranchers, dancers, and musicians in gorgeously rendered celebrations of culture. The room is very much vibrant and alive.

And best of all, it's delicious. I got the Adobo De Res, which the menu describes as "slow cooked beef in 'tres chiles' sauce, served with avocado, fresh red onions, white rice, and your choice of corn or flour tortillas." Obviously I chose corn. And obviously I ate the whole thing. Tyler got the Pozole Verde, described as "hominy stew with tender shredded chicken in a steaming hot cilantro-tomatillo broth." To drink, we drowned our bellies in the "Asi Sabe Mexico," and "La Flor." Now, I don't wanna brag or anything, but the menu did call my drink "The True Spirit of Mexico." I made sure to honor this by drinking every last drop.

Third Stop: Need a Lyft (or an Uber?)

After waddling belly-first out of Mayahuel, we decided we should probably move our bodies a bit. Luckily, the city is littered with Uber app friendly bikes and scooters. I'm not sure if this is genius or really, really lazy on their part, but either way, Tyler and I were down for the gimmick. He got the scooter, I got the bike, and together we made the world's lamest Hells Angels. We raced throughout downtown, passing the IMAX theater, more museums, the Youth in Government kids that appeared to be on the world's largest field trip, and dozens of sprawling buildings. We journeyed through neighborhoods and guess-timated how much they paid in rent. Then we ducked into a few parking lots to practice our figure eights.

Just ahead the Tower Bridge beckoned, so we charged up to the waterfront.

Fourth Stop: Old Sacramento Waterfront

We abandoned our vehicles and moto-cross dreams once we reached the dock. Tyler lamented not bringing his fishing gear while I eyed the set up. We were surrounded by a tourists and locals alike, entering and exiting the various shops, galleries, and restaurants. At each turn we met another street performer - a clown, a singer, and even a master puppeteer (guess which one got a dollar in their hat? The puppeteer. It was the puppeteer).

Horse-drawn carriages strove past us in the street. A giant railroad track circled the toy store. We stepped on wooden porches beside buildings made of brick - and I understood why they call this place #OldSacramento. By the time we had gotten our fortune told by Zoltar the robotic mystic just the the right of the mechanical shooting gallery, I realized we were in the Real World Equivalent of Knott's Berry Farm's "Old West Ghost Town," on water and free of charge.

After a quick pick-me-up latte for me and espresso for Tyler (I'm not sure who he was trying to impress) at Steamers, we sauntered past the Trading Post and beyond the old time photo gallery. Then my eyes happened upon the largest bit of buffoonery I've ever had the pleasure of finding.

Evangeline's Costume Mansion is exactly as it sounds. It's large, daunting, and stuffed to the brim with the macabre. This three story costume shop has anything and everything fantastical. All retail workers are required to dress in costume, a task some clearly enjoyed more than others, and to keep guests excited, they provided us with a scavenger hunt of - you guessed it, Serial Killers! While we didn't come close to winning, we did find the likes of H.H. Holmes, The Zodiac Killer, and my personal fave, Lizzie Borden. I'm not sure what the prize was, but maybe it's for the best that we never found out.

"My Favorite Murder" Eat your heart out

After Evangeline's we returned to the dock. A group of teenagers called us over to join in a project titled "Love is..." They were asking strangers to write down their definition of love on a sign and telling us their own (spoiler alert it was Jesus, but in a chill, non-abrasive way). At the request Tyler nodded stoically and said, "some say love is a river." They replied with bellied enthusiasm that he'd gotten the message and "was really deep, man." I didn't have the heart to tell them he was quoting that song from the "Happy Hands Club" scene in Napoleon Dynamite. They really were nice kids.

Third Stop: Makin' our Way Downtown

We strolled back to downtown and caught some more sights before ending our day at The Hotel Bar, adjacent to the Marriott hotel. The recently renovated spot boasts a wooden interior with plush couches and rotary phones that don't work but are ~aesthetic~ and are also really fun to play with 2-3 drinks in. While certainly marketed to tourists rather than locals, the bar has an inviting atmosphere that makes everyone feel like they know the people across the room. To drink I got the Raspberry martini, the first martini I have ever enjoyed out of the two had in my lifetime. Tyler got the Cucumber Basil Spritzer, and second round we opted for the pineapple mimosa and blueberry mule.

While the drinks and company were great, it was the music that elevated our experience to five stars. Hits like Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" and Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl," had me performing impromptu karaoke for fellow guests. Unfortunately, Tyler had replaced my drinks with water and paid the tab before I could start taking requests.

Our day and night had treated us well, and as we walked to our car, we realized Sacramento had one more gift to give. After 8 hours of sight seeing across the city, we only had to pay the parking garage five dollars. This is by no means a dig at the 20-30 dollar charges I've seen in San Francisco lots, but in fact, yes, it is exactly that.

Which Brings us to Day 3: For Love of Meat & Mortgage

Even though Tyler had proudly navigated the coffee press and held our steaming mugs at the ready, I refused to wake up until Guapo arrived. Luckily, he came before mine got cold. Our day was ready to start. We sipped coffee on the porch as Guapo chased his tail and then got to packing. The only problem with three-day weekends is that they aren't four. It was tragic, but today we would need to head back home.

We filled up the car, cleaned the room, and once again asked Guapo if he was willing to be kidnapped. He refused and we begrudgingly bade farewell to our lovely temporary home.

First Stop: Blue House

Unable to fill the hole in our hearts we settled for filling our stomachs. An array of marinated meats beckoned to us at Blue House, KBBQ. I didn't realize until seated in front of the stove that Tyler had never been to a Korean Barbecue restaurant before. As the server came over and explained the menu, his eyes widened and mouth dropped open. This was his Disneyland. This was his church. We ordered bulgolgi, galbi, shrimp, and pork belly. Tyler devoured two whole octopuses. Unnecessarily, but not unwelcome, each round came with another appetizer. Plates piled. We sank further in our seats. As we continued to order, I swear I saw a single tear slide down his cheek.

I would say this was just what the doctor ordered if I weren't certain no doctor would ever recommend Korean BBQ to the extent that I was willing to eat it, not if they wanted to keep their physician's license. But let me tell you if I die tomorrow from clotted arteries, I will die happy knowing I experienced some of life's finest delicacies in the form of Korean prime rib.

We ate until even breathing was hard. While we would have happily cuddled up and slept until we regathered our strength to eat more, our server arrived with the check. As we walked out, Tyler felt like a new man. We had eaten our body weights combined, stopping only to replenish rice paper. He had entered Blue House a civilian and come out a warrior

Next Stop: Let's Pretend We Can Afford a House!

Our final stop on Tyler's "See We Can Totally Live in Sacramento Someday" tour was less than subtle. We turned out of the Blue House parking lot and set for Elk Grove, a town just over from Sacramento that is both parts lovely and sleepy (kinda how I'd describe myself on my best days). We drove through the main district, past a few parks and the plaza. We saw the river preserve and Tyler again lamented over leaving his fishing gear at home. We saw goats. We saw trees. And then we saw a giant blimp in the sky and decided to follow wherever it might lead.

This blimp, specifically

Turning into a block of partially constructed homes, we realized we had happened into a neighborhood realtor extravaganza. While most of the houses had yet to be built, a row of 10 different layouts were open for guests. This brand new neighborhood was looking for occupants, all you had to do was go through the main office, grab a few flyers, and avoid eye contact to take the free tour.

I brushed my hair and threw on some mascara in an attempt to look less like Someone Who Just Engorged Herself on KBBQ and more like Someone Who Can and Just Might Purchase a Home. I've always loved house tours. As a kid, my dad used to take me around in neighborhoods we could never live in. We'd nod and point while imagining how we would decorate or set up the furniture. The key is appearing just interested enough to dismiss suspicion, while preventing the realtor from speaking to you for longer than 5 seconds. If they do, it's only a matter of time before you've got your life savings in one hand and new lease in the other. Fake names are recommended.

But man these houses made me wish I had money to spend. Each layout had something new - tall ceilings, marble countertops, or a second living room upstairs just for the hell of it. Tyler tried out the bathtubs and was amazed to find he fit. I opened a seemingly regular pantry door to find a secret passageway to the other end of the house. The fake decorum let us play the game of make believe. In one home we had a pool table and backyard swing-set. In another, we'd an 80-inch TV and handful of linens in a closet as large as our current apartment.

Being surrounded by families with actual budgets gave us a false sense of financial welfare. We talked color schemes and furniture arrangements, comparing the merits of one house to the next. I nodded my head at the granite floor patterns while he told me the picture window in the bedroom wouldn't be safe for our imaginary kid. By the time we had finished viewing the 10th house we'd morphed into Bob and Linda, middle aged parents of three with deep pockets and long list of requirements.

It wasn't until we walked backed through the front office that we remembered we had no intention of actually buying a home. We averted our eyes and scurried out the door before the realtor could hit the 5 second mark and drain our bank accounts.

We bid out fake names and fake future goodbye, and set out for our very real apartment. Driving home, there was no need to blast the radio. I was just as excited to talk about Sacramento as he had been on the way down.

And so the sun set on our little staycation. In recent years I've been lucky enough to see Catalina, Vegas, Seattle, and more. Each trip was amazing and memorable - I wish I had written them down. But if I've learned anything from our weekend getaway, it's that any old place can be an adventure. All you need is some spontaneity, enthusiasm, and the right person along for the ride.

Can't wait to see where the road or skies take us next. Who's ready to plan a trip?